I see so many known faces looking so radiant and welcoming. I know that I can approach them and probably enjoy the conversation. Yet, I feel so drawn to myself. My best friend is selfish, she wouldn’t let me go. As much as I try to get out there and interact, SILENCE always draws me back. It reminds me of her loyalty to me. I could hear her whispering of how much time we have enjoyed together as best friends.
“Remember what SPACE means to us and you know we always need it. People will only cloud the space, you know that. Be with me and let me teach you more,” she says to me all the time.
But I have learnt enough from you, buddy. I have enjoyed your company. I have loved your loyalty over the years. I know you have been my trusted ally and my hiding place from hurdles of life. You have been my shell protecting me from making too many mistakes with words. However, you have also kept me almost on a spot. You have kept me from expressing myself. You have brought FEAR into our space so that he prevented me from taking risks and standing for what I believe.
Silence my good friend, you have made me doubt my belief and even myself. I do not even know my voice again because of you. You also introduce NONCHALANCE because you would rather I just sit and take the things given to me only and not what I so dearly want. You knew I wanted so bad to lend a voice to that argument, you knew I wanted to stand and convince the whole world of what I am capable of but you won’t let me. As a matter of fact, I do not even sometimes remember what I want or who I am because you have drawn me in a little too much.
ANGER and BITTERNESS came in with full force because you wouldn’t let me address things that are so painful at the time that I needed to address them. I don’t like the justification that you let me give to people for doing terrible things to me. I couldn’t address them, so some do not even know what they have done wrong. Yet, I have had to think about some of these things over and over again because they were painful. For instance, why wouldn’t you allow me say anything when that man was intentionally touching my boobs while I slept on the way back from Kano? That was so annoying and you know it. He deserved a slap, but I kept mute. WHY? There is so much gloom within me and I exude too much of it because you wouldn’t let me express myself..
Don’t get me wrong, Silence. I love you and I love the fact that I can always count on you and even fall back to you. But I feel like I have over abused you. I have used you a little too much. I have used you to become evasive of problems and even people. I have used you to avoid responsibility and even confront certain challenges. Now, I need my VOICE so that I can leave some marks. Silence, the world needs to know about me and learn from me. You know I have so much to share with the world and so many questions to learn more from it. There is no way I can get all this done with you drawing me in all the time.
So, dearly beloved, loosen your grip and let me speak. I promise to occasionally check up on you. As a matter of fact, you remain my good friend and a check so that I do not say irrelevant things per time. I love you buddy. Please be well.
AUTHOR: OKUNLOYE Moyinoluwa