Every new beginning comes with a new fear for me. I remember vividly the day that I was graduating having bagged an honours Masters degree in media and communication from the best university in Nigeria (Do not argue with me, I am sure about this!). it was surreal, I was overwhelmed with Joy. I had some of the best family members anyone could ever wish for, present at the occasion. They were beaming with smile, taking pictures and catching up on old times. They were sharing how excited they were to see me push so hard to get a degree from such prestigious university. To be honest, I was very proud of myself also. My heart was so full of gratitude. I was too happy.
However, beneath the joy, the smile and the glow lay a deep and sharp pain. A crowning pound of my chest, an agony and fear of what comes next. Eh! What will I do next? I mean, I had so many ideas in my head of what to do but I knew I was too afraid/shy that it might take me more time before I get to the point where I implement the ideas. I was so much about what my life would be now that I dared to go to such a place that looked bigger than my league.
I cried so much that day about the dangers that I had dragged myself into. Why did I not just stay on my lane? Why did I dare to dream? Now I can never decide to be ordinary. The world is going to be watching. Everyone is going to be waiting to see what my next move will be. Oh God! What have I gotten myself into? These are the times when I envy the people in the village who wake up in the morning, chew on a stick, eat anything that is available, go to farm if they so wish or lay belly-in-the air on a recliner waiting for the next meal. They’ve got no big dream to pursue and absolutely no one expects anything from them (at least that’s how they appear) and they look extremely happy and content with their life.
I was so scared of all I must achieve and all that I am expected to achieve. I could never decide again to just sit and not achieve more. The problem is, even if the world does not expect anything from me, I feel obligated (like I owe them or something) to do more. I have swallowed a pestle now, I can neither sit nor stand. I only must keep moving. This is the fear that has kept me on my toes.
However, I have also realised that it is this same fear that have also kept me from taking every major step that I have ever being convinced could turn out great. I would overthink/psych myself into believing every reason that I thought would not make it great. Sometimes, I thought people would think me shallow if I ever implement some of them. So, I never acted on them and I have stayed right where I feared I would be; on a spot. It is this fear that have also kept me from enjoying every moment. I cannot enjoy the bliss of a win because I am already thinking of what’s next for me to win. It is almost as though, immediately I achieve something that I have always wanted, it becomes ordinary -it loses its value with me and it feels like a norm and then I start to look to see what else is out there for me.
This is what plagues me at every junction of my life. But what I do with this knowledge of the problem is that I stay conscious of it so that it no longer affects my next win. I mean, as soon as I discovered what my problem was, I started to make deliberate efforts to see that it becomes minimal. It is not something that disappears automatically, but I am more conscious now and let’s just say every win is more enjoyable now without the immediate sadness of what next to do to beat this one.