By Moyinoluwa Okunloye
As I open my laptop to write this, I check my heart to confirm if the reason for this piece is still there. I try to check if I can tie this feeling of Joy to a thing or an occurrence that would warrant me to feel this glow that I have all over me.
After yet another disappointment yesterday, I was downcast. I was pained and usually when I feel that way, I become exceptionally quiet. I would not talk about it -I just get angry in my mind, play the scenario repeatedly until the feeling goes away and I have a coping mechanism to live with the pain.
However, yesterday I wept. I mean I shed tears like I haven’t done in a very long time. I woke up not feeling extra -just normal in the morning and I went about my work like I should and everything was business as usual, until I checked my personal mail. And there it was, the disappointment that was going to make me break into tears. I gazed at it for a long time thinking of how it could be possible to have a hope so easily shattered. I had so many things hinging on that hope. I had counted my eggs before it hatched so you can imagine how dejected I felt when I saw that my expectation was cut short. On a very normal day, this would not have gotten any tear from me -I may not even be angry. I could have easily accepted it as an error and just roll with it. But not this time. It got me at the time I least expected.
I was mostly angry at God as to why He would have this happen to me now. I cried bitterly from the bus until I got down at the bus stop, as I walked to the house, then I broke down completely in my room. I shed tears uncontrollably -the sniffing nose dripping, tears connecting with mucus and going straight into the mouth kind of tears. I wailed angrily praying to God in a non-protocol way.
I did not pray like the church taught us to pray. I had an honest talk, speaking my feelings to God exactly the way I felt it in the language and words that I could only express my feelings with at that time angrily asking why He does this kind of things, demanding to know why I deserved it. I wanted to know why He never seem to reward my labour and hard work. I complained on how every time I think I have taken ten steps forward, He just allows me to be taken back almost to the drawing board. It was an open talk -one that I could only have with him without having to worry about being out of line or being judged or even saying too much, and I wanted (I needed) a response. Then I got up to eat (of course, I ate -I was not going to add hunger to my misery, you know) and I went to bed still sobbing.
And that was when the most bizarre thing happened. I woke up happy -a little too happy. As a matter of fact, I had to remind myself that I wept to bed yesterday (I am telling you!). I was extremely joyful this morning. I had “Aimasiko” by Simi (Nigerian Musician) playing in my head as I woke up, so I hummed and danced along as I took a shower trying to get ready for work. Then I praised and worshipped “The God of wonders beyond our Galaxy” (Chris Tomlin song).
I was expecting a response and I was hoping for a familiar one- a word. But then, He gave me a response completely different from what I had expected – a feeling of peace and joy. He gave me a certainty of His presence.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my way,”
declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55: 8-9.
“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34: 18.
“For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favour lasts a lifetime:
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalms 30: 5.
Photo credit: pexels.
Right now, what I feel is not resignation to “fate” or loss to the devil neither is it a coping mechanism. This feeling is a different kind of peace, an assurance that
“it is unthinkable that God would do wrong,
that the Almighty would pervert justice.” Job 34: 12.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator
of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases
the power of the weak………………….” Isaiah 40: 28-31.
“So, do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41: 10.
“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of Joy.
Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow,
Will return with songs of Joy, carrying sheaves
With them.” Psalms 126: 5-6.
This peace is strange, it is not what I am used to but I guess I must get used to this new normal because I like it! It is a beautiful place and I want it forever.
*All Bible quotations are from the New International Version (NIV).
Photo credit: hdfootagestock.com