I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT I LOOK LIKE

By Okunloye Moyinoluwa

Before I get out of the house every morning, I stare at myself in the mirror trying to put make up on. I try to check if what I wore looks good on me and generally just check myself out to be sure I look ok before heading out for the day. And that’s it! After that time, I try to bring back a memory of what I saw in the morning and I don’t remember, not until I see a mirror again.

Before now, it didn’t bother me because I really did not think it was an issue but now, I desire to have a good memory of myself. I want to be able to recall what I look like without having to take pictures of myself and stare back at it just to remember my face. I want to stop having to picture my face through someone else’ face. Yes, that’s what I do. After I have seen someone that I admire so much, their picture registers so well in my mind that I begin to picture their face as mine. I would literally think I am that person and she is me (like a face-lift of some sort).

As a matter of fact, I go to the extent of seeing myself talking and making gestures like that person. However, as much as I remember these individuals, I have no glimpse of what I look like except I am staring at a mirror or I am staring at my Mum.

I have read about what this is and I have found that it is called Borderline Personality Disorder. I do not know what that means and I don’t think I want to traumatise myself by ‘honouring’ this with such a huge name. I have no clue as to why this is a thing with me, but it bothers me so much now. I know of no cure to it; I just wish it would go away because I know that I am beautiful and I should remember more than the fact that I am dark in complexion.

I should not only remember the style of hair that I made, the clothes that I wore but also remember how that hair fits my face. I want to remember every frame of my face, my cheekbones, my eye and be able to put everything together in my mind as what makes me gorgeous.

I should not remember myself through a resemblance of someone to me or my character, but to remember me as me. As I type this on this beautiful day, I feel great, I have a beautiful natural lock on and I have on a black pant and a wine shirt. That’s it; That’s all I know of myself now until the next time I sneak in to the convenience to check myself in the mirror or when I use the elevator.

Photo credit: cryptic philosopher