BY MOYINOLUWA OKUNLOYE
Sometimes, I feel like my family will be better without my presence in it. A lot of times I want to disappear from this space because it seems as if I will save people lots of trouble once I no longer exist here. I do not think in a way to take my own life or hurt myself, but I sometimes wish to hibernate on an island ……. just me saving the whole world from having to deal with me.
I do not think of myself as a terrible person; I just think that I am often misunderstood. As a matter of fact, I think a lot is expected of me to which I cannot live up. I am not perfect but it appears I am expected to be. I do not usually like contacts with people, but friends and families cannot seem to understand how that can be a desire. They probably think I am not putting enough effort into it.
I try to be deliberate in my pursuit of connection, communication, love and friendship with my parents, relatives, families and friends and sometimes it works (with some of them conveniently without devising any tactics…. we just click), but sometimes it does not….no matter how I try. It’s either I lack words to say, so I withdraw to myself or they start to think that I have something against them, so they do not even say “hi” anymore.
I like to think that I am pretty simple ……. Very plain with no complications. I love friendship and good connection but I cherish space a lot. There was a time in my life when I crave attention from someone and anybody. I just wanted to be seen/noticed but nowadays, I just want to be happy with or without anyone, whether I am acknowledged or not, whether I feel loved or not. I just want to daily find out new ways to love myself and continue to explore it and hopefully, I will be understood one day and then loved unconditionally just as I try to do for people.
I am totally flawed; I have grown selfish, always by myself with little desire to interact. I know that and I make effort all the time to correct it. I deliberately try to just say something, discuss something with people around me but most times, its awkward. I have people that I don’t have to try with and it’s awesome. Some people I desire to flow with but it just does not work out. And the constant misunderstanding just messes things up for me; it makes it so complicated. I sometimes think my avoidance of complications is what has pushed me to a life of solitude. But it works for me and I think I converse when I need to only not as frequent as I am expected to.
I understand that no one is meant to be alone. I truly know that we need relationships to live a fulfilling life on earth and I really do try. I am willing to try even more but I need to stop feeling judged by the people around me. I need people to stop thinking it is deliberate for me to always be alone because most times, it’s not. It has just become the familiar and the familiar has become comfortable. And yes, I will work through it but it’s not going to happen overnight. I also know that it will not work with everybody no matter how I want it to but I want my loved ones to know that as much as I do. It does not affect the deep love that I have for them; we just do not have too many things to converse on.
Ore mi, before I met you, I already decided that we were going to be friends. I told myself that I am going to enjoy this bond. I never thought it will be a friendship with a lot of me having to explain to you all the time about myself. I never thought I will have to complain about how I am being misunderstood. As a matter of fact, I never wanted this friendship to be about me and whatever “issues” that I am walking through, I envisaged that this would be about us mutually working together, enjoying each other’s company chatting about dreams and aspirations, daily deliberately experiencing joy as we walk others through the process of Joy, poking fun at each other and celebrating each other’s happy moments.
But I am touchy these days, probably because I am trying to heal so badly. I am pushing myself so hard to be happy but also make people around me comfortable with me. Because of this, I spill everything and you get to hear it because you are the one close by now. And because you usually have the right words and the right amount of silence. Until someone else comes along or until you get tired and delete my contact or I get blocked from your phone. Or even better, until I finally heal and have the right shock absorber to take it all in without spilling and without hurting but accepting it as part of life’s journey and then move on constantly working towards perfection which I hope is possible or else ….. I am just going to remain flawed with the hope that the right people understand and love me just like that.
Thanks for listening.
*This was written sometime ago to one of my village people and although I feel happier than I was at the time, I still feel the need to push this out not to sound pathetic (not that I mind anymore) but to echo the pain of many and to express the need to share no matter what, to people who do care and are always willing to listen.
No, he still hasn’t blocked me, and our conversations are even more fun as we rub minds devising means to help people walk through the process of experiencing joy even as we ourselves enjoy the process that we recommend. I am happier with myself and every new day is better than the last, Thank goodness!
Oh! and he responded almost immediately. See what he said;
Moyinoluwa, ore mi 🙂
Maybe it’s okay to feel the way you do. I get the feeling of feeling simple, flawed and …sighs…
I get it… it is not a defect, and you are not alone in this.
I know you care, Moyin. Deep down, the people you talk about sometimes acknowledge that you care (and sometimes want you to show it more). As (beautiful) humans, we all have cravings of being cared for – the degree just varies. In spite of this, please, never allow another being (regardless of who it is) steal your capacity to care, to feel, to keep your heart open, to love – yourself first, then others as you do to yourself.
Why do you have a problem with people’s judgement of how you embrace solitude? Why not communicate with those you can, and love others regardless of what/how they think of you?
We all are sweet and can be complicated. Life can be a pot of beans, and beans (especially the agoyin type – with stew) is sweet when patiently cooked.
Have you read ‘Meditations’ by Marcus Aurelius? I recommend.
For the records, I like your resolve to ‘be happy with or without anyone, whether acknowledged or not, whether I feel loved or not’; just finding new ways of loving yourself daily, exploring it and unconditionally (Moyin, unconditionally o) loving others the same way too. Oh, I so much love it!
Till you heal and become your truest, best and happy self!
photo credit: unsplash.com/photos/d3fKsX15e7g