I was a bit reluctant to share this experience for three reasons? One, I had forgotten how it felt, second, I didn’t know when exactly it stopped and last of all, I feel ashamed of how foolishness and adolescence made me do some things. I must re-emphasize, that I can just recall that since my third year in the University, I could no longer find masturbation in my thinking. That is to tell you how over it I have been and I speak with all sincerity and gratitude.
I was hardly a teenager when I was exposed to sensuality; initially it was Uncles that tried to have carnal knowledge of me. Uncle D was the first person that almost tried; he was a junior brother to my Mum’s Friend. Whenever my mum took me to her friend’s house, he showed me affection by carrying me, patting my bum, some of the times I wasn’t wearing any underwear. But he just played with me, he did not touch me carnally at least not that I am aware. However, he always said, ‘what a fine girl!’ Maybe those were not his exact words, but it was something like that. It made me feel good.
Next I remember, Uncle T was my neighbor, the second of five male children. At the time he was in his late teenage years, I was around 13 or a little less. I liked Uncle T, nothing special but I just liked him so I would never refuse him any gesture (at least not that I expected him to ask what I could not give). That day he took me into his laps and next, his fingers found his way to my private part, while my pant was still on. He kind of massaged or ‘played’ with it… maybe that word is perfect. My next instinct was to stand up and leave but I refused. Something made me enjoy it. I was becoming a teenager, I was becoming evil also. It was not up to one minute of him ‘playing’ with me when my immediate brother came and said ‘Ah ah what are you doing, I will go and tell.’ His presence brought me back to my senses; I instinctively stood up from the boy’s laps. Though my brother was four years younger, God used him as my savior that day. Foolish, naïve me would have sat there and been disvirgined or even infected by some dirty finger
What more? I took solace in being alone to carry out what I can now term masturbation. Unlike the experienced sex educationists thought that it was done in the bathroom, mine was not in the bathroom. I just imagined it and used anything cold to sooth my urge. I used things like necklace which seemed to give a ticklish and pleasurable sensation, laced them in my private part, funny…. I didn’t try to insert them, I did not even have an idea of where my vagina was exactly. Now, do not misunderstand me; I did not know until my Mum, a Nurse told me there were two openings in a woman’s private part.
Another shameful thing I tried was to have my last born laid. As in, have sex with my little brother. He was asleep that afternoon and I tried to insert his penis in where I felt my vagina was, but it (his penis) could and would not stand so I failed in that devilish mission.
How did I overcome Lust? Let’s see……. Like almost every church girl, I had salvation experience severally but that was not the main thing that kept me. The company I kept in school must have kept me. I rocked with the ‘spiritual people.’ Of course, I did not share my silent struggle with them but, walking with them exposed me to working out my salvation with fear and trembling. By this, I mean neglect and control in the viewing of romance movies, novels and turning to intense prayers and study of the word and the likes. This was one way I knew the desire to come clean and be pure, took me over. It was also in this exercise that God-nature gradually swallowed up lust and its monster-children in me.
In good faith, I also mustered all of the courage in me to tell little brother, when he was old enough, of how I tried to have sex with him. He forgave me. I’m not kidding here. I just felt I had to do it. And some peace filled my heart.
Now, it’s not that I do not have orgies anymore but you cannot and will never catch me masturbate or think of It. What do I do when it comes? I simply pray or get my mind busy with other things. Jesus brought me out, my good company helped me, personal discipline and determination helped me. What you will however catch me doing now is looking forward and day dreaming of the day, night, mid night, and period when I will enjoy the real thing (pure sex) with my God given Husband.
Later on and as I grew again, I got to stress this phrase from Steve Farrar’s Finishing Strong’ to myself. It says, ‘if you don’t let sin go, sin won’t let you go.’ You can otherwise say, ‘if you don’t let go of bad habits, they are beasty, they get your mind controlled. They can be a stench in your life, they can seize your peace, happiness and self-esteem and many others.’
Photo credit: Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
About the Author
I’m Grace, I choose to leave it as simple as that.. Because that is what found me, kept me and sustains me. I am not myself, I am a product of many things just like you. I have an understanding that I am not self made just like I believe no one really is. Everything I am, have become was learnt and imbibed with time, situations, circumstances, experiences, opportunities and largely GOD.
*If you will like to share your stories of past/present addictions like this here on the blog, you can send your story to firstname.lastname@example.org. We will be honoured to be a part of your journey to understanding yourself and working your way through life lessons.
We will all be fine………. regardless of our journey, if we want to be