I have never imagined a time in my adult years on earth that I have not heard anything on my mind and in my head. As a matter of fact, there are always multiple things in my mind sapping my sleep away from me. When night eventually crawls in and I drift away to Lala land, I can still feel myself thinking and mapping out plans or something – in my head. Incessant headache is a regular caller at my house. It’s presence no longer bothers me and I no longer attribute it to stress or any other thing. It has become a part of me and well……. I live to see the next day, so why bother?
I have too much to do always. It’s like I am constantly racing against time and as you know, it never stops. Despite knowing that time never stops, my brain never stop racing. It never stops to think of the now; it always has the future to focus on. I have stopped to observe if this dilemma is a question of external expectation or a bid to meet up with equals. But I found out that it is not; it is a race to satisfy personal aspirations and goals. I have since eliminated the need to please people but I still race to catch up with my own expectations of me.
I try to declutter; I try to deliberately stop to smell the roses, breath the fresh air and enjoy the moment. However, my head never stops even when my body objects. While I am consciously counting my blessings in the moment, somehow, the thoughts of the future creeps in.
Now, it no longer bothers. The thoughts of the future no longer scare me. Though, I do not know what it holds for me, I also know that freaking out does not reveal it to me. Instead, I do what I can to enjoy the moment and hope my brain eventually get the message to live in the present. Or better still, it can continue to map out things as long as it leaves a portion for me to enjoy the now without an iota of guilt or fear.
Photo credit: princessinthetower.org